Two female DJs were treated in an unacceptable and intimidating way by a small group of rugby players who were off duty but still in their dress uniforms of blazers and ties. That was the report on social media when The Informer received it Sunday 19 July.
More from that initial Sunday report – The men repeatedly tried to get onto the stage while the women were performing, even after the women asked them to get down. The situation escalated when some forced themselves on stage, became bumptious and physical, and made the women feel unsafe and disrespected.
Since then, the incident has been in the New Zealand Herald and on Newstalk ZB and every other media outlet. The women involved know media and communicated clearly about what happened.
The Informer attempted to follow it up and asked for interviews but did not receive any further reports. Other women who have had bad experiences with rude or aggressive behaviour from rugby players, have joined the flow of interchanges with their unresolved incidents, some historical, some not rugby but related in terms of the hurt and disrespect they experienced and also the lack of accountability shown by the clubs and organisations the perpetrators represented.
What happened was wrong. Other incidents to do with other rugby clubs and other organisations like this are wrong. The women had every right to speak up. It is up to the community to keep a perspective. Every rugby player, every man, or every person connected to the game of rugby cannot be judged by the actions of a few immature or entitled rugby players.
The macho and disrespectful behaviour is the issue and the young women are saying it is widespread. The rugby uniform did not cause this attitude, but it has shone a light on the whole rugby community. Now the rugby council is involved, and our small town feels heavy with criticism and hurt.
It is right to want and expect fairness as well as accountability.
The way we are communicating our injustices and some their perceived injustices lowers the tenor of everyone’s spirit and degrades us as people.
Our society seems very ready to use social media for judgment, for criticism, for opinions formed in a hurry. We communicate quickly our hostility or our pain, are less willing to change our views or listen to someone else’s experience. We want blood not an apology. We want vengeance and suffering for others to be able to feel better. I would argue we don’t feel better for long.
The fact is we are all capable of terrible behaviour. But generally we want to be decent and admirable, despite our shortcomings. My experience of men generally has been that – decent and admirable. It doesn’t mean I haven’t been assaulted or hurt or disrespected. Everyone has stories and wrong needs to be put right – for women and for men.
My hope is that the Rugby Club in our town and elsewhere can deal with the accountability issue graciously and restore a sense of pride in chivalrous, courageous humility and any attitude of “we should be allowed to do this” can be clearly banished.
Those that are hurt, need to be listened to and in time respond to actions that bring accountability, with their own graciousness. If we are not willing to engage with people in our communities that have hurt us, we will end up just defending our own space.
Finding a point of understanding that builds mutual respect can heal the wounds. The scars remain, but if you look and listen, you’ll find most people have them.
