The Gardener looked a little bit perplexed the other day as he came inside and started fossicking around in my beer fridge. I could see there was something on his mind as he had almost done a full hour of work on the estate so, as he handed me one of my beers, I had to ask, “What’s bugging you?”
He paused while he had a drinks break before replying “It’s politics and the election, I find it a bit hard to work out which of these parties I should support. I need a method of classifying them so I can make sense of the options”. I could understand his problem and felt it could be common within the community. After a brief pause, I came up with an idea. “Why don’t you consider what sort of meal they would serve you if you were to visit them? That should give you a pretty good idea of where they stand, and what they offer”. He raised an eyebrow, so I continued, saying “Let me explain”.
“Take New Zealand First,” I started. “They would probably be an old meat stew filled with last week’s leftovers. Nothing new or tasty and the centrepiece would be a gristly old bit of meat that was left over from the last stew. It keeps on being passed from stew to stew because no one really wants to chew on it and they are not allowed to throw it out”. The Gardener smiled and remarked, “I get it, that summary makes sense to me – a meal if you are starving but not very tasty. What about the Greens – tofu salad?”
“An easy mistake to make,” I replied. “However, the Greens have morphed from being a pack of vegans with environmental policies. They seem to be very much after Maori support now, particularly with their policy of taking over two billion from rich folk to give to Maori for Marae refurbishment and development. I think if you were to visit them now, you would be served a meal of puha and pork bones”.
I carried on. “Labour would be the takeaway cheeseburger option, very little flavour or substance but could look okay in a glossy advertisement”. The Gardener nodded and added “a meal you have when you don’t really know what food should taste like”. It was my turn to smile at his summary, and I took a sip of my beer before continuing. “If you want flavour you have to go to ACT. They would probably serve you a combination meat stir fry with heaps of chilli, garlic and onions. Heaps of flavour and options”.
The Gardener started nodding, “plenty of flavour and presumably some rice on the side for substance. Starting to sound like a real meal but what could be expect from Te Pati Maori?” I had to open another beer and had a sip before answering “The culinary rules differ for Te Pati Maori. They wouldn’t bother cooking anything, you would have to turn up with a pile of takeaways and a carton of beer. So, the meal could be good or bad, depending on your budget”.
“This brings me to National.” I said, “They would offer a farmer’s dinner, some mutton chops, boiled potatoes, boiled cabbage and boiled pumpkin. Nothing too tasty but it would be a substantial meal”. The Gardener laughed and remarked, “I suppose the recipe would have been handed down over generations and never changed – presumably served with a bowl of gravy.” I shook my head. “Modern farmers don’t have much time; best you could expect is some tomato sauce”.
After a brief pause while we finished our beers and opened another one, the Gardener remarked “You’ve missed one out, what about that new crowd, the Opportunities Party”. I smiled then told him “They are too young to know how to cook a decent meal. They would just invite you to their parent’s place so what you would get would depend upon their parents, and whether they were expecting you. A mystery really”.
Another sip of beer and then the Gardner finished the conversation, remarking “so with MMP I can pick two courses, for example the stir fry from ACT to give me some flavour and variety and National as the main, a good solid feed to follow. It’s starting to sound clear,” he carried on before asking, “But what would we have for dessert?”
