It used to be that the only marker of intelligence was your IQ, your skills knowledge and expertise that now may only get you in the door in a job interview. We now have a variety of intelligence traits that are being valued and recognized. One such marker is that of EQ, Emotional Intelligence. In business this is what differentiates high performers and impactful leaders from those that have only developed their technical acumen.
So, what is EQ? It is the ability to recognize, understand, manage, and reason with emotions—both your own and those of the people around you. This is much harder than it appears. It’s so much easier to just stay in our bubble of what we have always known and not pursue a deeper understanding of both ourselves and those we interact with.
There are four pillars of EQ: Self-awareness, Self-regulation, Social Awareness (Empathy) and Relationship Management. Let’s go through these.
Self-awareness
Self-awareness is the ability to pinpoint what emotion we are feeling at a particular moment. In therapy, they often use an Emotional Wheel to help patients identify what that emotion is they are feeling. There are 8 core emotions: Joy v Sadness, Anger v Fear, Trust v Disgust and Anticipation v Surprise. While a wheel gives us nuance, a highly practical way to sort your feelings in the moment is to look at them through two primary lenses: Love and Fear; love is the positive bucket, everything that makes us behave unlike our best selves can be grouped into the other bucket that I generally refer to as Fear.
self-regulation
Once we identify what emotion we are feeling, we now have to control those often-impulsive feelings and behaviours-that’s when self-regulation comes into the picture.
Someone who is good at self-regulating will manage stress in a healthy way, take appropriate initiative, and adapt to changing circumstances without emotionally boiling over. Fights-physical or emotional-will often break out between people that are not great at this trait.
Social Awareness (empathy)
If someone is present enough to be self-aware and good at self-regulating, they tend to be better at picking up on emotional cues, understanding the needs and concerns of other people, and recognizing the unspoken power dynamics in a group. That is Social Awareness (empathy). If someone does not have the skills to be compassionate to Self, this trait is much more difficult to learn. Psychology recognizes that when people become emotionally ‘stunted’ by trauma at a young age, many of these EQ traits never develop unless the person has willingly worked on them to out survive a past that was difficult.
When these 3 traits are working well, the final pillar of Relationship Management is much easier.
Relationship Management
We are able to communicate clearly, inspire and influence others, work well in a team, and navigate conflict constructively. Without the grounding and experience of the first three traits, relationship management becomes challenged at best, destructive at worst. Imagine being thrown into a math class where they are teaching calculus when you can barely add; it’s a long leap.
So how can we improve if we want to be more tapped into a productive EQ? For self-awareness, try checking in with yourself a few times a day and asking yourself two questions: What physical sensations am I feeling right now? and What is the exact name of the emotion attached to it? Know your triggers and get good at knowing where these emotions are felt in the body.
Next, give yourself a pause if trying to be better at self-regulation. Emotions tend to last only 90-seconds, so let it pass. The next step is to try and stay objective about the situation rather than going into ‘victim’ mode and ask yourself: What can I do right now to fix this? or “What is the actual data telling me? At this point, if we can cognitively reframe the situation that they aren’t doing this to me, we can get some perspective that it may not be about us.
For improving your social awareness and empathy skills, try being curious. In that curiosity you might ask them questions around what is making them feel this way and just listen. It’s usually not about you so having someone to talk to might be just what is needed and appreciated by the person that is reacting.
That takes us to relationship management. What I’ve seen work best is to frame conversations in the “I” framework, which takes the defensiveness out of the other person. “I felt unsupported when…” or “I need more clarity on…” This gives you a path of resolution without intense conflict of blame.
Look at this as a fun game of self-improvement and watch the gifts it brings!
Feel like commenting or getting in touch? You can reach me at: ananda@seismicaudit.com. You can also find me online at: www.linkedin.com/in/anandalaberge.
